Archive for Family

Seen, not heard? Where Kids Fit In

by John Howell, Jr.

ktdLesson 4 in the series “Kids These Days: Biblical Help for Families” focuses on practical application of biblical truths in the family. Bible teacher and author, John Howell, Jr., is assistant pastor at First Baptist Church, Batesville, MS. and  serves on the Glimpses of Grace Board.

One of the ways I tease my children (but hopefully not to the “provoking” stage that we will learn about in the next chapter) is to compare the experience of my childhood to their childhood experiences. As have dads throughout recorded history, I exaggerate my stories considerably in explaining how hard I had to work cutting lawns in the neighborhood, how far I had to walk to get to school, how rarely I received a pair of new shoes, and so forth. My stories of yesteryear have become so far-fetched that I can barely keep a straight face when I’m sharing them, and these recollections have become a running joke. But it is actually more than a joke, because I’m trying to hang onto some common-sense parenting and trying to gently remind them that life is not set up to be to be all about them. I am also attempting to let them know that life in this sin-sick, fallen world can be very challenging at times. As tough as this news may be for our children to swallow, they need to learn that they are not the sun, and the rest of us the planets orbiting around them.

As much as my childhood in the 1970s and 1980s contrasts with the childhoods my three offspring have experienced and are experiencing, I can only imagine how the parents who raised “The Greatest Generation” in the early 20th Century would react to what they see in today’s families. It is from that era that I reach back and grab the now-defunct phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard.” This implies that children were taught that their will was to be subordinate to the leadership of the adults, and that they as children were to behave in the presence of adults in obedience and meekness. As foreign as this type of training may seem to us today, I would assert that their parenting style was much closer to the Bible’s instructions than are today’s philosophies and parenting styles.

The Power Passages: Ephesians 6:1-4; Proverbs 22:6

Our study is now transitioning from general principles of the value of children, the value of marriage, and the general importance of authority and is moving on to the application of these biblical truths in the family. It is time to get very specific, so let me just put it out there for you. As a teacher and school leader, I saw some very bad parenting habits that produced predictably bad outcomes. For example, the following philosophies and goals (all I have which I have heard articulated by parents) are bad philosophies and excuses, and will likely bring great harm to your child or children:

  • “I just want my child to be happy.”
  • “I didn’t get to have much when I was growing up, so I want my children to have what they want.”
  • “I don’t care what Mrs. Smith the teacher has told me, because I believe my child’s story instead. My child may not be perfect, but he wouldn’t lie to me.”
  • “I’m not going to spank my child because I don’t want to teach him that violence is the answer.”
  • “I have a hard time fussing at my child, because I just love him too much, and he’s just too cute.”
  • “It is a phase. I’m sure he will grow out of it, so I am going to just ignore his actions for now.”
  • “Maybe you can do something with my child. I just can’t make him mind me.”
  • “She doesn’t do that at home. I’m sure she is being provoked by the other children.”
  • “My child is misbehaving because he is bored. He is very smart, and he just needs to be challenged.”

Following any of the above philosophies or leaning on any of the above excuses are sure-fire ways of raising a child who is unhappy, insecure, unsure of boundaries (but deep-down badly hoping they do exist and will be applied to him), and destined for a life of turmoil. And it is at this point that I need to be transparent with my readers: my wife and I have allowed many of these problematic parenting modes to impact our decision making, emotions, or comments on occasion. The key is to recognize these harmful, sinful impulses and to move away from this “stinking thinking” through the divine energy and wisdom provided by the Holy Spirit of God.

Fathers and mothers in past generations had a better understanding of their biblical responsibilities. Therefore, they weren’t as interested in their child’s happiness as they were interested in preparing their child for life’s challenges. They knew that fulfilling a child’s wishes and desires as each whimsical “want” is expressed by their child will produce, over time, ungrateful, insatiable human beings. That now-past generation of parents (and grandparents) also knew Solomon’s teaching on properly administered corporal punishment. “The rod and reproof bring wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth this mother to shame” (Prov. 29:15). Solomon, as we know, had a lot to say about raising children, and the subject often comes up in his proverbs. This wise king reminds his readers that parenting principles have eternal consequences.

So, let’s keep a safe distance from the harmful swarm of “helicopter parents” who hover about little Johnny making sure he is happy and trying to fix any problems or issues he encounters. Let’s stay on guard lest we get caught up in modern parenting trends and find ourselves part of the scary (and toxic) movement of “dive bomber parents” who swoop in to try to get their children out of trouble with authority by attacking authority figures (teachers, law enforcement, or others in charge of their children). Let’s instead get very close to the Bible, and see what the Word of God teaches about parenting.

Thankfully, we will find that the message is not complicated.

  1. A child has one easy-to-understand responsibility

No matter how intelligent we think we are, we can all be grateful that our heavenly Father makes the important matters of our human existence very simple and very understandable. For example, the salvation that He offers through the work of Jesus Christ is extended as a “gift,” to be received by faith. We can all understand the concept of a gift, even a young child. Prior to the new birth, we are “lost.” That concept is very understandable. We read in the Bible that we are born “dead,” spiritually speaking. That is very clear, and it would require deliberate distortion to communicate this truth incorrectly and say that we can somehow on our own produce life and save ourselves. Additionally, the good and godly qualities that flow from the life of a Christian are described as “fruits.” We can all understand what that means and how that works because we have all seen fruits on the vine or tree. And what about the teaching that Jesus Christ is “the Light of the world.” That simple truth speaks to our hearts as well. As Bible students can attest, I could go on for a while with this listing of simple illustrations that communicate profound truths. The point: our God makes the important principles simple enough for even a child’s mind to grasp.

We have learned in our study that God makes it clear that children are a very high priority in His way of looking at life. We have seen the love that is communicated when the Lord Jesus hugs and blesses the little children (Mark 10). We know what God says about them, but what does He say to them? In light of God’s consistency in making important spiritual truths understandable in His Word, what does a holy, majestic God have to say directly to children in His Word? Here it is:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right” (Eph. 6:1).

Could this instruction be any clearer? I don’t think it could!  I am not asserting that it is easy for the child to carry out the instruction (more on that to come), but I am asserting that the instruction can’t be misunderstood. Neglected, yes; misunderstood, no.  This powerful simplicity is part of the sublime, supernatural nature of God’s plan and God’s Word. The Bible doesn’t say, “Children, give strong consideration to your parents’ suggestions: for this is usually right” (how’d that teaching get so popular?). The Bible doesn’t say, “Children, your parents are usually idiots so beware their teachings and listen to your equally immature friends or perhaps the little devil on your shoulder instead.” As school principals can attest, that ill-fated plan seems to carry the day on many occasions. No, the Bible says “children obey your parents,” and, furthermore, it is as if God implies, “trust Me with the outcome of that plan.”

These simple instructions apply in a broader sense, however, than to only the parent-child relationship. When the parent transfers the care of the child to another adult in authority, this principle of “children, obey your parents in the Lord” tranfers right along with the diaper bag or backpack. Therefore, in a school setting, the instructions become, “Children, obey your teacher in the Lord…” At grandmother’s house: “Children, obey your grandmother in the Lord…” (even if your grandparents usually won’t make you obey them and are normally about the business of spoiling you J).  The legal world explains this transfer using the Latin phrase “in loco parentis,” meaning the legal responsibility of a person or organization to take on the responsibilities of a parent. Our children should be taught this principle on a spiritual level as we teach them their simple job outlined in Ephesians 6:1.

Let’s not run past the important phrase “in the Lord.” As a child gets older and more mature, and as the temptations begin to expand as his universe expands, the power source of the Lord Jesus Christ is the only way to measure up to these simple instructions. I concede that they reach an age at which we can no longer coerce obedience, especially at the heart level. When a child is young, obedience is to be forced by just about any means necessary, with special “win-at-all-costs” emphasis given to any act of blatant disrespect to authority). However, as a child matures, the submission of the will is accomplished by the supernatural operation of the Spirit of God in the life of the young person rather than by force. (Adults, when we look back on our own childhood experiences, we only have to take a very brief stroll down memory lane before we begin to remember how we as youths performed under these same “simple instructions.”) Obviously, the only way the young person has access to this supernatural ability to die to the pride and rebellion of the self will is to be spiritually alive unto Christ via the new birth. The phrase “in the Lord” brings a spiritual context into these simple instructions, and the overwhelming concept of leading our children to faith in Jesus Christ is a critical subject covered in a later chapter. Nevertheless, as parents, our marching orders are to get the message of Ephesians 6:1 to our children. Consistently. Firmly. And, as we will learn from verse 4, lovingly.

Parents should also note that in Ephesians 6:2-3 the apostle Paul strengthens his instructions to children by reaching back into the time of Moses and the Law and backing up the simple instruction of Ephesians 6:1 by connecting it to the 5th commandment of the famous 10 Commandments. Paul reminds his reader that the 5th commandment is the first one that also has a promise attached to it. Paul is referring to Exodus 20:12: “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” After four commandments, the fifth one includes a positive principle. That principle is that, as a general rule, children who obey their parents will live longer. The implication is that an obedient young person will avoid a deadly calamity. Please note that—given that we live in a world that is under the curse of sin and death until the return of our Lord—this is a general principle, which is to say that there are exceptions. However, let the record show that I have seen this principle play out in a very predictable manner. Anyone who has worked in a high school (or junior high school) labors under the fear of the “empty seat” in the classroom due to an untimely death of a young person. Those of us who have experienced this happen can attest that disobedience to parents, or disobedience to other legitimate authority, is more often than not a factor in the tragedy.

And none of this is complicated, at least in theory. In practice, well, that’s another matter, as parents generally speaking are failing to communicate God’s message to their children and also failing to apply discipline when children disobey.

  1. This one responsibility is a “spiritual barometer”

In light of these very simple instructions to children, it follows that a measurement of how a child is handling the instructions to “obey (his/her) parents in the Lord” provides insight into a child’s spiritual health. So, if my teenager consistently is behaving disrespectfully to me, or his teacher or coach, it is a clear indicator that he is having spiritual problems and therefore needs spiritual counsel and assistance (and probably other disciplinary action as well). If my child is consistently disobedient, disrespectful, and rebellious, my child is not doing well spiritually. In the school where I served, students in grades 6-12 met each Wednesday for chapel. They grew accustomed to me asking them as a group, “How are you doing, spiritually?” They began to anticipate my reminder, which was: “The answer can be found in how you are treating your parents and teachers.” (There is really a two-part question involved. The second part is to ask them, “How much time are you spending with God?” More on that form of “relationship measurement” in a later chapter). In retrospect, maybe I should have been firmer in chapel and used the language of Proverbs. “The wise in heart will receive commandments: but a prating fool shall fall” (Prov. 10:8). Kids…don’t play the fool!

I am emphasizing this point because it is important for parents to address the underlying spiritual issue rather than to run around addressing the flare ups and living in fear of the results of the child’s next foolish and disobedient decision. Through prayer, counsel, and spiritual instruction, let’s “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Those instructions in verse 4 will be studied in greater detail in the next chapter.

Now for the zinger! (And please know that I am typing this chapter with much prayer knowing that my three children are very much a work in progress.) Just as our children’s obedience and attitude toward authority is a barometer of how they are doing spiritually, our children’s obedience and attitude toward authority is also a barometer as to the spiritual health of the entire home. Ouch! It’s true. Though I repeat again there are exceptions, rebellious children tell the story of poor spiritual leadership in the home. And dads, this is primarily on your (our) shoulders.

How do I know this? This truth comes to light when Paul is assisting the churches by providing principles whereby spiritual leaders are to be selected. This teaching from Paul can be found in 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and in instructions to Titus in Titus 1:6-9. At the heart of Paul’s instructions to these fledgling churches as to the selection of pastors and deacons are some verses that are important to our study of the responsibility of fathers:

“A bishop [elder, pastor] then must be…one that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)” (1 Tim. 3:2a, 4-5).

I find this to be very illuminating and also very sobering. Paul is coaching Timothy on how to help the churches that they are planting. One of the first needs is for the missionary team to identify spiritual leaders, men upon whom to confer the task of pastoring and shepherding the new congregations of believers.

Not surprisingly, as Paul spells out what to look for in these men, he tells Timothy to seek men with good reputation who are “above reproach” in the community and also who are “the husband of one wife” (1 Tim. 3:2). (I’m not going to define my understanding of that “husband of one wife” phrase as part of this study but will instead note that Timothy at the very least is instructed to bypass men who have a history of problems with women). Paul tells Timothy that the men to whom he will be assigning pastoral roles should not be “given to wine” (1 Tim. 3:3). He also adds that Timothy should look for men who care for the welfare of strangers, who are not apt to argue or fight, and who are not greedy for money or covetous of material goods. And then comes the area given the most emphasis by Paul, which qualification spelled out in considerable detail in verses 4-5. Here, Paul teaches there is a direct correlation with the spiritual health of a man’s spiritual leadership in his home and the behavior of his children. Paul points out that the church family that he would be shepherding is much like his own family, only bigger. So, if the home is characterized by rebellion, it should be inferred that the man lacks the spiritual acumen to lead a congregation.

I told you this was a zinger. And this principle doesn’t stop with pastors. Paul applies this same qualification to the office of deacon in the same chapter. Back in our focal passage in Ephesians chapters 5 and 6, the Bible student sees Paul applying more pressure to fathers than he does to mothers, especially in Ephesians 6:4. In the Old Testament, great leaders who accomplish amazing acts of faith are still held accountable to the responsibility of passing the spiritual baton to their children (and the Old Testament is filled with heart-breaking accounts of failures, which now serve to warn fathers of vulnerabilities in this area).

At this point, I am guilty of getting in over my head in writing and teaching about doctrines that I have not yet fully tested and experienced. I would also like to add that we must also look to the Bible’s premiere doctrines of grace rather than running about evaluating each other or the pastors that we know. We likely do not know the full story, and we have moved into very sensitive and personal matters. The enemy has targeted spiritual leaders who preach the good news of eternal life through Jesus Christ, coming after families with these legions of demons. Some strong-willed children get on the “my-way highway” despite enjoying an upbringing in nurturing, spiritually-solid environments, so let not any of us dare rush to judgment. Instead, let us pray steadfastly for God’s grace, mercy and leadership to steer the eternal souls of our children.



  1. “My child is very needy and can’t seem to entertain himself for even a brief time. What do I need to do?”
  2. “From my discussions with my child, I’m pretty sure my child’s teacher doesn’t like her. Is it time for me to send my husband down to the school to straighten this out?”
  3. “My teenaged daughter has finally found a friend to spend time with, but I am uncomfortable with the disrespectful manner in which this friend speaks to her parents (and to me). Should I discourage this friendship?”


Your turn

  1. Is there a statute of limitations for Ephesians 6:2 (“Honor thy father and mother…”), or does this verse touch the lives of believing adult “children” as well?
  2. For parents who are encountering this concept of “roles” within the family for the first time, is there a way to implement this biblical model in situations in which habits have already formed?




Authority (The real story on Biblical submission)

by Jktdohn Howell, Jr.

This is Lesson e in the study “Kids These Days: Biblical Help for Families.” This  13-week study is aimed at connecting powerful truths that the Bible gives us about the family with the pressing, painful needs within our families.

There is a short verse near the end of Paul’s first letter to believers at Corinth that provides important insight into the plan and workings of God. The verse: “Let all things be done decently and in order” (1 Cor. 14:40). Though this verse specifically refers to the operations of the local church, these instructions are consistent on how He runs His universe. This truth is revealed in the Old Testament in a variety of ways. “Decently and in order” is how God organized Israel’s march through the wilderness, and how He laid out His instructions for the tabernacle, and later the temple. The Bible student, as he studies further, learns that God always advances His plans “decently and in order.” This instruction should also guide us as we interact with the government and in the way we interact with our employer or our employees (1 Peter 2:11-18; Eph. 6:5-9).

For any entity to operate smoothly, there must be someone in charge, someone who is given the authority to lead. There should be no surprise that God has engineered the family to operate under this same principle. For the family to operate with decency and order, there must be singular leadership, with others in the family submitting to that leadership.

The Power Passages: Ephesians 5:22-25; Romans 13:1

Due to ignorance (or worse), the organized church and even Bible-influenced cultures have been through dark periods in which the idea of the wife submitting to the husband was misunderstood and often abused. The result was the women were pushed into second-class status, or seen as inferior to men. This philosophy still flourishes in some cultures, disintegrating even to abuse of women. Looking at cultures across the globe, and observing from history, a true understanding of what the Bible teaches about the role and significance of women can always be associated with a better life for females. Cultures that are opposed to biblical Christianity, especially cultures influenced by Islam, suppress the basic rights of women. It is sadly ironic that in the West, Christianity has been tagged as anti-feminine when in fact Christianity teaches that women and girls are to be cherished, honored and protected. Men and women are equal in worth and value before our heavenly Father. Men and women, do, however, have different tasks and functions to carry out.

This chapter features three takeaways that will help us in our homes as we relate to our spouses and children.

  1. A submissive attitude toward authority produces a healthy society

The year 2016 has been characterized by alarming breakdowns of authority in the U.S. I watched television coverage from Memphis (which is 50 miles north of where I live) recently in which protesters had taken control of a major interstate and in effect shut down interstate traffic across the Mississippi River. Due to controversy over the application of police authority, we have seen violence between protesters and police break out in many large cities. Given a spark, most if not all major cities in our country seem to be at risk of becoming dangerous and out of control. One of the main factors is that rather than submitting to authority, many in our country are resistant and hostile to authority. Another factor contributing to this dangerous trend is the occasional failure of those in authority to exert authority wisely for the welfare of citizens and the preservation of law and order.

So what about those abuses of authority? That is a fair question. There are times when we have seen evidence of authority being handled poorly and unfairly. There are even (rare) situations when authority figures behave in a rogue and dangerous manner. Are there times when citizens should stand up and push back? These are very timely and practical questions for the Christian.

The apostle Paul dealt with similar issues as he planted churches and nurtured pastors to tend to these churches. In fact, life in imperial Rome in Paul’s time was rougher than life in our nation (even at present), especially for believers in Jesus Christ.  We can complain about whomever may be the president and can experience frustration about those in authority over us, but the hand that had been dealt to those in Paul’s day (the emperor Nero was one of the most jaded and evil men to lead the mighty Roman empire) was far worse. So how did the apostle handle this? What were his instructions to these early Christians? Did he tell them to fight back? To organize a rebellion? To resist?

Not at all! Here are Paul’s clear instructions on the matter (specifically to believers living in the city of Rome):

“Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation” (Rom. 13:1-2).

The remainder of the chapter fleshes out these instructions, explaining that the government is a “minister of God” (v. 4) and thus deserving of our payment of taxes and customs (v. 7). The Greek word translated “be subject” in Romans 13:1 is seen again in Titus 3:1, where Paul instructs Titus regarding his flock: “Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates…” Peter is on the exact same page with Paul, as evidenced by 1 Peter 2:13: “Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme.”

So, the Bible is clear on this matter. Believers are to submit to the rulers of this present evil age, even those leaders whom we might believe to be wackos (again, history tells the story that Nero was clearly a deranged leader). The only exception I have found in the Scriptures is when the earthly ruler issues forth an order or directive that is clearly opposed to the directives of our heavenly Father. For example, when the Jewish leaders ordered the disciples to refrain from teaching the doctrine of Jesus Christ, “[t]hen Peter and the other disciples answered and said, ‘We ought to obey God rather than men’” (Acts 5:28-29). There are other occasions as well, as when Daniel deliberately violated the Persian emperor’s ban on any worship other than worship directed to himself (the emperor’s pride and hubris had led to his desire to be worshipped as a god). Daniel disobeyed authority “and gave thanks before his God, as he did aforetime” (Daniel 6:10). However, it should be noted that these exceptions are rare and occur when a ruler is blatantly blasphemous, putting the believer’s testimony on the line. If believers (or members of society at large) went around willy nilly choosing not to submit, anarchy would be the result.

Our society is sick right now, because this principle of submitting to authority has been neglected. This principle may not seem to directly connect to the operation of the home and our marriages, but, in fact, this broad Scriptural mandate to submit to authority also forms the foundation for a healthy home. Sadly, this principle is being neglected in the home as well.

  1. The most effective way to exert authority is through love

When I worked as a school headmaster, I enjoyed some parts of the job and struggled with other responsibilities of the job. Being responsible for discipline in a school isn’t a glorious job, but it does provide a great platform from which to touch lives. When a student is “in trouble,” he will give you his undivided attention when he is put on the “hot seat,” which creates a great teaching moment and the opportunity for the young person to really learn something. But when a student is in serious trouble, the lessons can get very serious. Perhaps the toughest moments came when students committed a major infraction as defined by the school handbook, bringing forth the possibility of expulsion. It was emotionally wrenching to everyone involved to have to remove a student from the school that I operated, but sometimes this had to be done to protect an atmosphere of authority and order and to protect the welfare of the remaining students. But it was very difficult.

Over the time I worked in a school, I learned how to relate to students better, and how to do a better job as a disciplinarian. I learned a powerful “secret” along the way. It is this: the best way to lead students, the best way to deal with discipline, the best way to get children to pull with you toward good objectives, is to love them! That’s right, the best, most powerful way to exert authority is through love. I learned that when children and teens know that they are truly loved, and that their welfare is truly important to the authority figure, the majority will get in line and follow a leader who loves them. This became my number one strategy in dealing with school discipline, and it created a very good environment in the schoolhouse. Full disclosure: it was my experience that about 90 percent of students responded to being loved by almost always behaving within the boundaries (with some even blossoming into leaders). What about the other 10 percent? Sadly, they had to be conquered by force, and be shown tough love. Again, sometimes they even had to be removed from the school. Typically, the students who behaved in this way had a completely unsettled home life and had experienced intense disruption in their families. But, even in those cases, later in life many of these individuals would filter back through my life and acknowledge that they had done wrong and would later appreciate the school’s past attempts to love them and reach them. Bottom line: love is a powerful force for leadership and the exertion of authority.

Because “agape” is of God, and so very powerful, we should not be surprised that this principle is exactly what the Word of God prescribes for the home. It is the very simple-but-powerful flow of love that holds a home together. This is the core of our Ephesians 5 study. God loves His Son. God loves man that He created with a love so powerful that our sin and rebellion could not thwart His purposes. God sent His beloved Son to die for our sins, and to pay our sin-debt of death. When I accepted that gift—the gift of His Son’s death for me—God gave me the righteousness of Jesus Christ…again, it’s a gift! As a man who now possesses a new nature in Christ, I am to respond to Christ’s love by walking with Him in faith and obedience. As a husband, I am to lead my wife and my family in the spirit of this love. Not as a tyrant. Not as a power-hungry, insecure man. But I am stand up in my home as a leader who walks in love by the power of the Holy Spirit of God. That is where it all begins. For families, this verse continues to emerge as the key: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it” (Eph.5:25).

In this context, and only in this context, can we then understand and apply Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” This is to be done by the wife voluntarily (“submit yourselves”), not under duress or threat.  This has nothing to do with her interactions with other men, but is “unto your own husbands.” This rules out these male-dominated cultures in which men try to hang onto power and push all women into a subordinate status. And holding this entire teaching from Ephesians 5 and 6 together is that this concept and lifestyle is to be carried out “as unto the Lord,” such that the husband and wife both know their ultimate accountability is to the Lord Jesus Christ. We will see this same principle in Ephesians 6, where children are instructed to “obey your parents in the Lord” (v. 1), and fathers are to bring up their children in the “nurture…of the Lord” (v. 4). If the husband is not abiding in the Lord Jesus Christ for his source of love, the formula breaks down. If the wife is not abiding in the Lord Jesus Christ to supply her source of submission, the formula breaks down. Based on this, I would not counsel a woman to submit to a husband who is blatantly or rebelliously outside the Lord’s will and is not the lover-leader described here in Ephesians 5.

There are many voices out there telling us how to lead, how to parent, and how to do just about anything better. The Bible teaches that of all of these principles and philosophies, “the greatest of these is love [agape]” (1 Cor. 13:13). The catch is that this love is only available from the Lord!

In conclusion, submission to authority in the home produces a healthy home. Even better, submission to authority “in the Lord” produces a godly home.

  1. Submission and equality are different concepts

So it’s no secret that controlling men have pulled the phrase “wives submit” out of the context of entire message of Ephesians 5 and 6 and used this phrase to run roughshod over their wives. But, when looking at the Bible’s teaching on authority and submission, it is very important to see that submission to authority is driven by the various roles that play out in our lives. Never in the Word of God do you find the person who is instructed to submit being asked to submit because he or she is unequal or less of a person. In the matter of submission, equality is not the issue.

Consider a scenario in law enforcement, for example. If I am cruising down the state highway—and maybe cruising just a little faster than the law allows—and I look in my rear view mirror and see bright, flashing blue lights, what happens next. Do I stop my car, get out of my car, and say to the trooper: “Hey man, what’s the deal? Why are you stopping me? You are a man. I’m a man. You’re not any better than me. We are equals. So, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna get back in my car and drive off, and you’re gonna deal with it.” How would you expect that to work out for me? It would be a true statement for me to protest that, as equals, he shouldn’t have jurisdiction over me. Should he?

Here is probably what plays out next. After he handcuffs me and gets me into the back of his car, the trooper will likely explain the following: “Look pal. You are right. We are equals, and I’m not any better than you. But, on this road, I have a job to do, and the state gives me jurisdiction to run things. When you accepted your driver’s license, that’s the system that came with it. So now you are charged with resisting arrest in addition to speeding.” The state would side with the trooper, and I would be in double trouble. This is as it should be. This gives society a better shot at operating “decently and in order.” If this so-called rule of law breaks down (and it is certainly fraying in many cities), we are in big, big trouble as a nation.

The truth is that use of authority has nothing to do with equality. Authority is instead necessary for the roles that we play as we move through life (and I would argue that these principles will move with us into eternity based on the consistency of God’s character). In an orderly society—and in an orderly home—the party who submits does so voluntarily, for the sake of organization and function. The party who submits is not submitting because he or she is inferior. Those who teach or infer this are guilty of perverting the biblical truths about submission and authority.

Thus, when a wife submits to the husband as the lover-leader of the family unit, she does so voluntarily, in keeping with a role in the family to play, and not because she is less of a Christian or less of a person than the man to whom she submits. And if the man is smart, he will champion her thoughts, desires and opinions as he attempts to lead the home. My two sons have now reached ages 22 and 18. My daughter is 15. Already the boys are physically stronger than their dad, and in many areas they are mentally stronger than I. Therefore, they, too, submit to dad and mom based on principle, not inequality. In many ways, my wife and my children are superior to me, yet they, in a spirit of love, submit to me as the lover leader. There will be more to discover on this when we move into Ephesians 6.

  1. The Lord Jesus Christ was submissive to the will of the Father

If you feel a little uncomfortable with all of this talk about submission, it may be the case that you have fallen victim to the subtle lies of a prideful heart. Pride can be blatant; it can also be sneaky. Because of the sin nature that we inherited from Adam, our minds and in fact our entire beings struggle with the idea of submitting to another person or authority figure. That is pride, and we are reeking with it in the natural man. This pride infected mankind through Satan himself. When Eve yielded her mind and her will to Satan’s alternate plan, and when Adam shirked his responsibility to be the lover-leader and also joined the rebellion, the poison of pride entered the human race, with devastating results playing out in our lives and playing out on our planet at this very hour.  This pride can be cloaked in many disguises, so be alert.

And before any of us start pushing back or rebelling in the roles that require us to be submissive, we must consider that heartbeat of Jesus Christ’s earthly life was submission to the will of His Father. The Bible teaches that the Lord Jesus voluntarily and lovingly emptied Himself of all rights and all honors that were rightfully his as the Creator, and in humility He submitted—day after day, situation after situation, to the Father. Jesus Christ reveals that the proper relation to the Father is to have no will, no rights, and no claims of our own and instead to let His will fill us for His purposes. Philippians 2 teaches this truth very clearly and powerfully. Also consider these statements from Jesus Christ:

“I can of mine own self do nothing; as I hear, I judge; and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me” (John 5:30, emphasis added).

“For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me…and this is the will of Him that sent Me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on Him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise Him up at the last day” (John 6:38, 40, emphasis added).

If we still have reservations about this business of putting the interests of others ahead of our own, or if we are chafing at the very idea of yielding to a spouse, supervisor, or police officer, then we are absolutely missing the divine program of God and are in bondage to pride. We are guilty of attempting to throw the biblical message of decency and order out of the window, and saying instead, “Let’s do this my way!” When we resist authority, we are rebelling against God Himself (again, the only exception is when the authority figure is attempting to force the believer to act in a way that contradicts the Word of God).

The freedom from this bondage of pride comes from the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. His humility and submission is available by faith for the believer, supernaturally, at each point of need in our life and in our daily walk. The walk of humility is pleasing to our Lord. The walk of humility and submission opens the door to God’s power to flow into our lives and service. As we submit when and where we are required, God deems this to be submission to Him. As we obey those in authority over us, we are to obey not as “men pleasers” but at the heart level “as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ” (Col. 3:23b-24).

In the next lesson, we will see how this truth is to flow specifically into the home and into the lives of our children. It is critical that our children see the truths taught in this week’s lesson, or they will have some painful battles ahead of them.

Battle stories from the front lines: “Junior” making important decisions while the authority figures shirk their duties; fathers crashing into crisis situations and attempting to use authority without first engaging in consistent love to his family; parental undermining of authority in the presence of their children



  1. “So it all begins with the husband…that’s what I figured. I’m gonna tell him loudly and clearly to get his act together and fix this family!!
  1. “My wife never tells me she loves me. Doesn’t she know I need to hear that too? What do I need to do to get this across to her!?”


Your turn

  1. The late pastor and evangelical leader Dr. Adrian Rogers challenged parents to be “firm, fair and fun.” How are you doing as a parent in each of these categories?
  1. Do you know your spouse’s “love language”? (And how to specifically touch his or her heart with the most impactful type of love?)


Stretching the Heart: The Blessings of Having a Child

by John Howell, Jr.

For the next few weeks we will be featuring a series of Bible studies written by Glimpses of Grace board member, John Howell, Jr. This study is aimed at connecting powerful truths that the Bible gives us about the family with the pressing, painful needs within our families. Families are struggling like never before, and the emotional “bombs” of divorce, substance abuse, unbiblical parenting, and other dysfunctions are sending damaging shrapnel into the souls of dads, moms, and children. 

Let’s go back in time to feelings that flow in the minds and hearts of parents upon the arrival of a child.

When my first child arrived, those first few hours became a very sacred time for me. New parts of my heart and emotions were awakened by this miracle of life. After a short period of overwhelming anxieties, God settled my heart by reminding me to whom my child truly belonged, and reminding me about who had the most invested in this new life—and thus the most at stake!

The Power Passages: Mark 10:13-16; Psalm 127:3-5

As the Bible student sees Jesus Christ moving through the pages of the gospels, he typically sees an amazing portrait of peace. Our Lord moves slowly, and He never appears hurried or stressed as He ministers. He exudes gentleness and love. His movements and activities leave in their wake the fragrances of heaven.

Except on a few, rare occasions when the Lord Jesus gets angry, reminding us that there are times when it is appropriate for righteous anger to flow.

One of those occasions occurs when His disciples try to block some parents who are attempting to bring their very young children into the presence of Jesus the Christ. It is intriguing that, of all the things to bring sparks from our Lord, it was this mistake by his disciples of overlooking the importance of children that triggered this passion. There is much to be learned from this scene in Mark.

  1. Our grown up stuff is not as important as we think it is.

Tellingly, this confrontation (and, yes, the text indicates it was a confrontation) occurs in a chapter that begins with the Pharisees trying to corner the Lord Jesus into a debate about divorce. Following that brief discussion between Jesus and those who were emerging as His enemies, His disciples have some follow-up questions. It is as if they wanted to be right on the matter, theologically speaking. But judging from what happens next, their hearts may not have been truly concerned about the impact of divorce on men and women, and families, as much as they were concerned about being “right.”

The reason I think the disciples had it all mixed up is seeing how they behaved when some families approached their Master, as described in Mark 10:13. These were likely moms and dads who were bringing very young children and desiring that their children be touched by Jesus. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it. I know I would have wanted Him to bless my children!

His disciples didn’t think it was so sweet.  They saw it as a nuisance, something getting in the way of their important, grown up work. The disciples even had the nerve to scold these well-meaning parents. That is when the sparks flew!  That is when Jesus let the disciples know that their agenda reflected very mistaken priorities.

2. God gives us kids not only for what we will teach them, but also for what they will teach us.

Our Lord became passionate when He saw the disciples mistreating these children and their parents. The Greek verb used here indicates indignation and perhaps even frustration, and Jesus likely raised His voice. Jesus let them know that these approaching children had something to teach them.

As Mark 10:14 plays out, we hear our Lord firmly correct His disciples: “You better allow those children to come to Me, and you better not try to block them.” Why? Because this kind of simple faith and trust flowing from the parents (and that can also flow from a child) better illustrates how a human being is to approach a holy God than any adult behavior on display in Jerusalem that day. These children were excited about being with Jesus. These adults were worried about their schedules, their ministry goals, and themselves. The Lord Jesus challenged them to understand this contrast. He challenged them to understand that there is a reason that the Bible calls God “the Father,” and the Bible calls the saved person God’s “child.” And that reason is to emphasis His power, and our need—and to stimulate us to trust!

This is why statistics tell us that if a young person is not saved by trusting in Jesus Christ as his or her Savior at a young age, the likelihood of the individual ever coming to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ drops dramatically as the individual advances in age. So, in this passage, the Lord Jesus reminds us that we must be like a trusting little child, and believe God’s promises regarding eternal life. Adults complicate the offer by over-analyzing it. Children understand what the word “gift” really means, and they know how to accept (and eagerly open and enjoy) a gift!

I think of my three children and the feeling I would have when they would put their little hand in mine when we, for example, cross a busy street. Holding my hand conveys trust and that they are putting the responsibility of getting them safely across the street on their daddy. But, we grow to an age when we no longer stick out our hand to grab dad’s hand. Spiritually, may we never get to the point where we fail to grab our Father’s hand.

There are so many lessons we can learn from the trusting souls of children.

3.  Children are a major priority in God’s economy

As this scene closes out, the emotions on display in the humanity of our Savior transition back to the gentleness that we normally see in the gospels. Mark 10:16 is one of the “sweetest” verses in the Bible: “And He took them up in His arms, put His hands upon them, and blessed them.” I’ve often tried to envision that scene, as the Creator and Savior of the world spent a few moments with each child, picking them up and hugging them! What did He say? What did their parents say? What did the children who were old enough to speak say to Jesus (hint from living with a career kindergarten teacher, my wife…it ain’t no telling what they said!)? Also, I wonder what became of those children whose stories found their way into the sacred pages of scripture. I would guess that the Lord’s blessing propelled them into spiritual life when they became old enough themselves to understand just Who it was that they met on this day.

When I had my first child in 1994, I experienced a very sacred time. It felt like my heart was stretching, with new emotional chambers opening within it. I wanted to cling to my newborn son. I didn’t want anything to happen to him…ever! God calmed me during those hours, reassuring me that, as much as I loved my child, His heavenly Father loved him even more, as evidenced by God the Father sending God the Son to die on the cross for our sins. With the births of my second and third children, these same emotions softened my heart for God’s further instruction as to the significance of my children. My mentor spoke into my life, telling me, “John, God is giving you children not just for what you will teach them, but also for what they will teach you.”  That is the lesson that Jesus is giving us here in Mark 10. No, our children won’t lecture us and provide knowledge that we need, but our children will demonstrate truths that God wants us to understand about our relationship with Him! And our children will help us to experience and deal with emotions that God wants us to understand and to experience, so that we can better understand how He feels about us. This setup is yet another demonstration of our God’s majestic wisdom.

Moms, dads, grandparents, adults…listen up! Our society still reflects a priority system that does not value children. How much time do we actually spend focusing on our children’s emotional and spiritual growth? How much do we pay the teachers who spend nearly 200 days per year with our children? Why do hourly workers in a daycare receive less compensation than a delivery driver? Why do we delegate important parts of our responsibilities as parents to ungodly forces? Let’s go ahead and list another American travesty as well…why is it legal in our country to kill the unborn? It is because we are like the disciples, caught up in our own stuff, our own importance, our own agendas.

Old Testament Bonus for Parents:

Psalm 127:3-5a: “Lo, children are a heritage of the LORD; and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are the children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them…”

This passage sends a strong message from the Word of God about where children should rank in importance. My three children are my heritage of the LORD. They are a huge part of the “grace of life” bestowed upon couples (1 Peter 3:7). Their value is priceless, and, since they are in my family, I am wealthier than a multi-billionaire.

Since they are my heritage, and, metaphorically, arrows, they are designed to be shot out and will carry my name and my belief system on out into the future long after I have gone to be with the Lord.

Children are very, very important in God’s economy.

Battle stories from the front lines: Parents crippled by feelings of inadequacies for the task of parenting; parents who have experienced miscarriage or the death of a child; neglected children.


  1. “Given the volatility of our nation and our planet, is it even a good idea for my wife and me to bring a child into this world?” (What Bible principles come to mind when discussing this matter?)
  2. “My dad was abusive to my mom and often to us kids as well. Will I be able to cut it as a parent?” (How should a husband or wife whose memories of childhood are painful and/or problematic approach the task of becoming a parent?)

Your Turn

  1. What specific positive emotions do you remember about the first hours of the arrival of your child or children?
  2. What specific fears or anxieties do you remember experiencing in the first few hours after becoming a parent? What promises are given to us by our heavenly Father to meet those fears? (Or, for prospective parents, what fears do you have about taking on such a responsibility?)